The Kingdom of DOS-a-lot part III
by Carlos DaSilva
Comments, flames, death-threats, cease-and-desist orders from Microsoft
lawyers are all appreciated. (PH: Send them to me, I will pass them
along to Carlos)
Kingdom of Dos-a-lot
It is a period of
civil war. Rebel coders,
striking from a hidden base,
have won their first victory
against the evil Micro$oft Empire.
During the battle, Coder spies
managed to steal secret plans to the
Empire's ultimate weapon, Dy-rect-ecks5,
an armored library with enough power
to destroy an entire operating system.
Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents,
Princess Caldera races home aboard her sea vessel,
custodian of the stolen plans that can save the
coders and restore freedom to the industry...
o o o
Gater, clad in armor appropriated from the dead body of the great
King Gatesway, stood menacingly on the deck aboard the Galactic
Explorer. What used to be his head was now a mysterious, ominous-looking
black helmet. Thin-framed glasses sat atop the bridge of the helmet's
nose. Men in white armor scurried about the ship adjusting sails,
loading the cannons and generally keeping the ship afloat.
"We have them now!" he exclaimed as he clenched his fist in
victory. His vocal tones were obnoxiously nasal and sounded not unlike
the voice one uses when they are overly satisfied with themselves.
"Don't slow down, not for an instant! The stolen plans are aboard that
ship and they must be retrieved!"
"But, Nerd Gater, didn't we steal the plans in the first place?" an
inquisitive ensign asked.
"You obviously didn't pay attention during the briefing." Gater
explained. As he finished saying that, a shrill shriek came from his
head. He stared directly at the ensign, who obviously didn't know what
was about to happen to him. The shriek continued, louder than before and
before long the ensign dropped dead, blood pouring from his ears.
"Carry this dead body away, and if anyone else would like to be
briefed again, my cabin door is always open."
"Aye, Nerd Gater..." one of the others replied as they dragged the
dead ensign away.
A volley of cannon balls blasted out from the Explorer and nearly
hit Princess Caldera's ship, the Navigator. They splashed harmlessly
only mere feet away.
"Things do not bode well, Princess Caldera, the Empire has sent
their most sinister agent of evil, Nerd Gater, after us. " reported
Captain Wedge Mantilles.
"Please don't say such things, we will deliver the plans to King
Optimize. He will then know a plan to counterstrike the immoral
"You are correct, Princess Caldera, I'm sorry for what I said."
"Don't worry about it, your concern at the moment should be for our
"Yes, Princess, I'm on my..." the captain attempted to say as the
ship was rocked by a volley of cannon balls that connected this time.
A young sailor entered the cabin. "We are being boarded! The cannon
balls knocked out our main mast, and we couldn't get away. There was
nothing we could do!"
The captain replied, "Nonsense, the battle isn't over yet. Prepare
for battle, and may King Gatesway bless our souls."
"Yes captain." the sailor replied as he exited the cabin.
"Princess, I advise you to take one of the men and a rowboat. Get
away during the confusion! It is imperative that the plans be delivered
"Yes, you are correct. I will see you again at Castle Commandcom,
in the Kingdom of Dos-a-lot!"
"I hope you are right, Princess. Kingspeed to you."
o o o
King Optimize looked out the window of his throne room into the
open ocean beyond. "Our alliance with the Uniches Commonwealth will
prove to be fruitful. Every extra hand will help to topple the Micro$oft
Sir Biggs replied, "Yes, your heroic actions has helped to cripple
them. With strategic strikes in the heart of the Empire, we will be able
to amass our final critical blow and eliminate the Empire once and for
"True. A representative from the commonwealth is supposed to meet
us today, hopefully we can take the information from our strikes and
form a strategy for the years ahead in our quest to overtake the
o o o
"Bring anyone of importance on this ship to me! I want them alive!"
Gater exclaimed. "Now, give me the plans, Captain Mantilles..."
Gater emitted a high-pitched squeal from his voice that brought the
captain to his knees.
"I'LL... NEVER... SUBMIT... TO YOUR... EVIL!" Wedge cried out in
pain as the shriek pierced into his mind.
"That's what they all say" quipped Gater. Wedge promptly slumped to
the floor as two guards entered the cabin.
"Nerd Gater, we have found this prisoner attempting to escape."
"Why have you boarded us? We are on a peaceful mission!" the
"What's that over there?" one of the lookout guards asked, as he
looked through a scope.
"Give me that..." the other guard said as he snatched the scope.
"It's nothing, just a harmless bottle. Children throw bottles into the
ocean all the time."
"I've been meaning to practice my archery. I think I'll break that
bottle with an arrow." the first guard said.
"Gater won't approve of you fooling around like this. We are
supposed to be 'looking out', not shooting arrows."
"Ah... fine. Be that way."
"You are a part of the Coder's Alliance, and are guilty of crimes
against the Empire! Return those plans, or face severe consequences! I'm
only going to tell you once! Come on!" pouted Gater.
"I don't know what you are talking about." she said.
"I said I'm only going to tell you once!" he said.
"Well, then you'll have to repeat it many more times, because I
simply don't have the plans." she said.
"Please?" he said.
"Sorry." she said.
"Fine. I'd kill you where you stand, but perhaps you can still be
of use to us." he said.
"I'm going back to the ship. Bring the prisoner along. Throw the
captain overboard." Gater said as he left the cabin.
The guards took the motionless body by its head and feet and tossed
him overboard. His listless body floated away atop the waves as the
Explorer sailed away. Moments later, a massive volley of cannons sunk
o o o
"It's certainly been a while, I wonder where that representative
from Uniches is." pondered King Optimize aloud.
Sir Biggs replied, "I don't understand it, perhaps I should ride to
the Uniches Commonwealth to find out if anything is wrong?"
"An excellent idea, Biggs. Kingspeed to you. And take the good
Biggs donned his helm and bowed before his King. "I'll shall return
before dusk." He headed out to the stables.
King Optimize sat upon his throne. He studied the fine features on
the great sword Pentium that once belonged to his liege, King Gatesway.
Optimize knew that Sategllib had murdered the King, but he never knew
how or why. All he knew was that Sategllib's head sat on a flagpole
bearing the tattered emblem of Micro$oft. It still waves at the site of
the battle where Wyndoes EnnTee was destroyed in what seemed like a
hundred years ago.
"I cannot sit here all day without knowing what is going on... My
place is out there fighting against the Empire, not sitting here
twiddling my thumbs."
An eerie voice made itself known deep within the mind of Optimize.
It spoke, "THE ANSWER LIES BENEATH THE WATER; HURRY THERE, AND DO NOT
"King Gatesway? Is that you? Please answer!" His questions fell
upon deaf ears.
"Damn! What could that have meant?" King Optimize wondered. He
walked towards the window again to look at the water of the ocean. On
the beach, a fisherman carrying a large sack of fish, was making his way
towards the Kingdom of Dos-a-lot, walking towards the main city gates.
An idea raced through the king's mind...
King Gatesway sheathed the sword Pentium and placed his crown upon
the throne. He always placed his crown on the throne when he wished to
walk amongst the people of the city, incognito. It let everyone in the
castle know where he was and to not acknowledge him as the king should
they see him in the city. He changed into more common clothes and left
the castle, heading towards the city.
He hadn't visited the city like this since before the last battle
against the Empire, which took place just outside the castle walls.
Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. Beggars lined the
streets asking for morsels of food, or for some money to live another
day. The war had been brutal, but King Optimize had no idea it had
ravaged the kingdom so badly. Nobody liked the Empire, but everyone had
to eat. The Empire fed you as long as you closed your eyes and turned
your head while they carried out their insidious plans.
Optimize entered the local tavern. It was a seedy place, but if he
was to find a competent sailor to carry out his idea, it would have to
"And that is what I'd like you to do." Optimize said as he finished
explaining the idea.
"Ten thousand lines, and nothing less..." the seedy sailor
"Just how fast is this ship?", Optimize inquired.
"Faster than anything the Empire's got... I tuned it myself, not a
single bit of bloat on it. The Empire's ships keep getting bigger,
slower and waste valuable resources. My ship is small, fast and
"So you promise that we will travel without imperial
"Then, I will pay you two thousand lines now, and fifteen thousand
lines once we get to the destination."
"Seventeen THOUSAND lines??? It's source code we're talking about,
here, right?" the incredulous sailor asked.
King Optimize laughed, "Of course, what other currency do you know
"Heh, heh, just checking... By the way, one last question... You
never mentioned where exactly this destination is." the sailor said.
"If I had known, I would have told you. You will have to trust me
"Alright, seventeen k is seventeen k." the sailor said as he
extended his hand, "Sid Prose at your service..."
o o o
The biting cold of the water awakened Wedge immediately, but he
played dead until the Explorer was at a safe distance. As he tread the
water, he saw the last of the Navigator sink below the surface of the
"Damn, what am I going to do now?"
He swam towards the wreckage and grabbed a hunk of flotsam floating
nearby. This far north, the water was excruciatingly cold. Wedge did not
know how much longer he could last. He oriented himself towards the
general direction of the Kingdom of Dos-a-lot and slowly began to swim.
The only way he could remain warm was to work, but not at such a rate
that it would exhaust him.
In the distance, Wedge noticed a slight glimmer a few miles away...
He hoped it was one of Dos Coder's come to save him.
"Do you see anything?" one of the men on the small sailing vessel
"I see a lot of wreckage. There is bound to be some warez over
"Set sail for the wreckage... This will be an easy plundering."
Wedge finally figured out who was heading his way. Pirates! He
dropped himself into the water.
"Arr, there is nothing here but this useless chunk of flotsam." A
pirate said sullenly.
"Nothing? Another false lead. You seem to excel in that
department.", another pirate quipped.
"You haven't uncovered any distros yourself, either!", the first
Wedge surfaced under the bow of the small pirate boat to take a
desperately needed breath.
"All the lifeboats are here. This ship was attacked and boarded.
There isn't any plunder here." the captain yelled over the two voices.
Wedge realized what that first line meant. The princess could not
get away with the plans. Did the Empire recover the plans? He took a
deep breath and slipped into the water, again.
o o o
The sailor and the king sailed diligently atop the ocean waves. Sid
managed the ship with impressive skill. Optimize instructed Sid where to
sail towards, based on what the voice told him.
"I thought you said we were going in a good boat, this ship barely
outranks a rowboat." Optimize said, hoping to irritate Sid.
"Perhaps you would like to swim to your destination?" Sid replied
"No offense intended!" the king said as he laughed.
"None taken. Wait, I think I see something up ahead! Lots of
wreckage..." Prose exclaimed. The king used a telescope to see what was
ahead. A piece of debris floated by with the tattered remains of the
flag of the Uniches Commonwealth. It was as he feared.
"What happened here?" the King thought aloud.
"There are many pirates around here. It isn't safe territory." the
"Pirates don't blow ships out of the water. They board them and
plunder them. This is the work of the Empire."
"Which is why we shouldn't stick around here... Hey, what's that on
the other side of the wreckage? It's a ship!"
Optimize turned the telescope to view the ship.
"Well, then, let's get out of here."
"No, maybe they know something."
"Heh, that'll cost extra."
o o o
Wedge had to take a breath, very soon. His lungs ached, yet his
will forced him to stay under as long as possible. Unfortunately, his
lungs beat out his will and Wedge forced himself out from underwater.
His gasp for air alerted the pirates, and they all turned to see
the source of that noise.
"What was that?", the first pirate questioned.
"I dunno, probably nothing.", the second pirate rationalized.
"Over there, see those ripples!", the captain exclaimed as he
slapped the backside of both pirate's heads.
The two pirates got the net ready and dropped it into the water.
"Ahoy, there, mateys!" cried King Optimize.
"On your feet, men, we are under attack!" the pirate captain yelled
"Move up closer to their ship", Optimize instructed to Sid. Sid
promptly maneuvered the ship alongside the pirate ship. Optimize slashed
the pirate's sails with the great sword Pentium.
"Perhaps one of you three can tell me what happened to this ship?"
Optimize yelled out.
"We know nuthin', and if we did, we wouldn't tell ya, arr!", cried
the pirate captain.
Sid thought aloud, "I'm sure the Empire would pay a fine price for
"I tell ya, we know nuthin'!" the captain replied.
The voice made itself known to Optimize, "THE WATER, THE OCEAN, THE
SEA; EXPLORE AND YOU WILL SEE"
Optimize promptly dived into the water. Sid looked at him
increduously, and yelled out, "Don't get yourself killed now, you still
owe me ten thousand!"
Optimize saw a motionless body underneath the water. It was Wedge
Antilles! He seemed to be unconscious and did not float up to the
surface because he was directly underneath the pirate boat, pinned to
it's undersurface. He grabbed Wedge and brought him up onto the boat.
"Get lost before we decide to turn you pirates in." Optimize said.
"Arr, set the sails for the cove, there is nothing here for us."
the pirate captain instructed his men. They sailed away and within
minutes were out of sight.
"Can you revive Sir Antilles?" Optimize asked Sid.
"That'll cost extra." Sid said as he looked at the seemingly
o o o
Sir Biggs crossed the borders of the Uniches Commonwealth a few
hours after passing the gates of the Kingdom. He passed through with
little interruption, only pausing to eat and to plan his route. He
arrived at the Palace of Uniches, and was greeted at the castle gates by
the royal advisor.
"Greetings, I am Sir Biggs from the Kingdom of Dos-a-lot, I come as
a member of the Dos Coder's Alliance!" Sir Biggs announced.
"Welcome to our land, Sir Biggs, you are most welcome here. I am
the royal advisor to Princess Caldera. I apologize, but the princess has
not yet arrived, and we have not yet heard from her. She was to
rendezvous, by sea, with our spies who had been working at the
facilities being developed by the Micro$oft Empire. After the rendezvous
she was to immediately head to your Kingdom to meet with King Optimize."
the advisor explained.
"Princess Caldera? I suppose she was the representative. I'm afraid
she never arrived to the Kingdom of Dos-a-lot, which is why I have
traveled here, to see if anything was amiss."
"Oh my, that is grave news indeed. If the Micro$oft Empire
discovered the spies, they may have tortured them into revealing our
plans. Princess Caldera may be in terrible danger!"
"I must get back to King Optimize. We will assemble a party to go
out and see if anything happened to the Princess during her journey."
"Is there anything the Commonwealth can do to help?"
"We will need a backup force available here in case the worst
You should stay here as well in case the Princess decides to stop
by here. I will station a sentry at the Kingdom to await near the docks
if the Princess goes there."
"Kingspeed, Sir Biggs!"
"Goodbye!" Sir Biggs yelled out as he mounted Assem-blur.
o o o
"Arr, what is that over thar?" the first pirate asked.
"I see nothing!" the second pirate exclaimed.
"Over thar!" the first pirate insisted.
"I see it, it is a bottle. Turn the ship starboard 40 degrees and
head straight for it." the captain instructed.
"I still don't see it!" the second pirate said.
As the ship neared the bottle, the captain leaned over the edge of
the ship and grabbed it. He popped off the cork and examined the
"Arr... If only I could read, this gibberish might of made some
sense..." the captain wondered aloud.
The first pirate looked over the captain's shoulder to inspect the
newfound item, "Looks like plans of some sort, but this is unlike any
treasure map I've seen."
"You haven't seen any treasure maps!" the second pirate exclaimed.
"Shut up you, or you'll be needin' a patch for your good eye as
well!" the first pirate quipped.
"There is no patch big enough to cover what I'll do to you!"
threatened the second pirate.
"Quiet you fools!"
o o o
"Princess Caldera, you will submit to me and reveal the location of
those plans!" Gater insisted ominously.
"Never!" the princess replied.
The huge vessel they were on slowly crossed the ocean towards it's
destination. The Dy-rect-ecks5 was a massive vehicle capable of taking
out entire castles and villages, at a moment's notice.
"Where were you headed for with those plans?" asked Lord Gater.
"Why, I was heading back to my palace, of course." replied the
"Liar and fool! You have just told me where the plans are not
located! In a way, you have just selected the first beta site for a
demonstration of Dy-rect-ecks5 true power. Set bearings for the Palace
"What? What are you doing! You'll destroy the plans!"
"Don't trifle with me, your highness, you know very well the plans
are not at your palace."
A guard reported, "We will arrive in a few hours, Nerd Gater."
"Excellent, ready the weapon. Inform me when we are ready to fire.
You will not fire until my command."
"Yes, Nerd Gater." the guard said before leaving.
"You will see that your foolishness will not go unpunished." Nerd
Gater explained as he shut the brig door.
o o o
Wedge coughed up several mouthfuls of water before being able to
speak. "The... Princess! They... Have... Her!"
"Princess? I don't know what you are talking about... What
princess?" Optimize asked.
"We were... boarded by the... Empire... She was... taken
prisoner... and I was... tossed overboard. I... managed to... play
dead... for a while... until they left..."
"He's unconscious again. He'll be okay, though, just needs some
rest." Sid explained.
"Ok. I wish I knew what he was talking about, though... Who is this
princess he is referring to? There are so many royal families... Poor
Wedge, he is good knight, he was with me during the campaign to destroy
Wyndoes EnnTee..." Optimize reminisced.
"That's great and all, but now what do we do?"
"We must return Wedge back to the Kingdom, he needs immediate
attention. Perhaps he can explain better when he is in better condition.
There I will pay you your money, and perhaps you could help us out in
our plans to topple the Micro$oft Empire?"
"Topple the Micro$oft Empire? Who do you think you are? King
"I suppose I should have introduced myself properly before. I am
Sid's eyes lit up as visions of insane profit danced around his
head, "You are the King? You were the one who destroyed the dragon
Wyndoes EnnTee? Well, I guess the entire Kingdom is in your debt, and
all, but I work for the highest bidder."
" Yes, I remember. I had hoped that you had forgotten."
o o o
A giant explosion rocked Biggs off of his steed. "What the hell was
that?" Biggs wondered as he looked back at the source of the sound. It
was very far away, and smoke could be seen rising into the sky. Biggs
contemplated going back to investigate, but whatever caused that
explosion couldn't be friendly. He decided to travel back to the Kingdom
at top speed to report this latest development.
o o o
"Won't you consider, Sid? Our cause is a just one." Optimize asked
as he paid Sid in full.
"I'm sorry, but I don't stick my neck out for causes. Only profit."
"I see. Well then I thank you for your services and if I ever need
you again I'll be sure to head to the nearest pub." Optimize said with a
"Very funny. Now how do you get out of this castle?"
A servant led Sid out of the room. Optimize turned to Wedge, who is
in much better condition and in his armor.
"You will have to fill me in on everything that has occurred."
"Of course. While I served as a ship captain in the Commonwealth of
Uniches' navy, my crew and I did various exercises nearby the coast of
the commonwealth. I met many people on the ships I captained, but one
person was very interesting. He was a defector from the Micro$oft
Empire. He explained to me their terrible practices, which he forced
himself to keep a blind eye on for his family's sake. One day, his
family was kidnapped by the Empire's thugs because he had failed to pay
the monthly licensing fee."
Yes, the citizens of the Empire have to pay a licensing fee twelve
times a year, for the honor of serving the Empire. This fee is about
eight percent of their year's salary. When he went to pay the fee two
days later, he found out his family had already been executed the day
prior. This enraged him to the point of madness. He spent the last of
his meager savings for a spot in the storage deck of the next spice
freighter heading away from the Empire. He faked his own suicide before
leaving and is thus considered a faceless casualty to the Empire."
"That is a sad, yet incredible story. He did the right thing by
escaping the evil grasp of the Empire."
"He told me about the sinister activities happening at the Empire's
main castle, and that they had 'appropriated' the final piece of puzzle
which they feared could be used against them by us. If we had this,
whatever it was, we could light the torch that will eventually burn down
the entire Empire."
"That is incredible news!"
"Yes, and we assembled a party consisting of our finest troops, me
and Princess Caldera."
Biggs stood up, wide-eyed, and asked "Princess Caldera? The
princess you muttered in your daze!"
"Yes, Biggs. The Princess was to stay on the ship and wait while we
infiltrated the Empire's castle and retrieved the plans. We accomplished
that much. We were then to escort the Princess to here so that we may
open the plans in your presence, and form a plan of action.
Unfortunately, we did not accomplish that. I know the princess was
captured, but I do not know what happened to the plans. Hopefully it is
not within the Empire's clutches again, for they will certainly protect
it more diligently than they did before."
Optimize stood up and slammed his fist onto the table. "It is time
for action! Wedge, you assemble the finest navy you can and set out to
find out the location of the Empire's superweapon. Biggs, you and I will
infiltrate the castle and rescue Princess Caldera. Time is of the
essence, the Empire cannot be victorious!"
Wedge and Biggs both stood up.
"Yes, my liege!" Wedge yelled as he saluted his king.
"We will never surrender!" Biggs exclaimed.
Optimize and Biggs assembled a small crew and set sail within the
hour aboard the strong ship Lynnicks.
A few hours later, the castle of the Micro$oft Empire appeared on
"Wedge gave me the directions for the secret entrance into the
castle. We will have to split up once we get inside the castle. At the
crack of dawn, return to the ship immediately, with the Princess or
without. We cannot risk being in the castle during the day. If one of us
manages to rescue the Princess, return to the ship and wait until dawn.
We can do this, if we are careful and lay low." Optimize explained to
Biggs. "We will tie down the ship over there behind that thick brush. We
will then cover it up further with some thick foliage." Optimize said,
pointing at the clearing into the forest ahead.
"Alright." Biggs acknowledged.
After hiding the ship, the two made their way to the secret
entrance. Optimize felt it strange that the Empire didn't know about the
"Nerd Gater, two Rebel coders have just entered the secret
entrance. Should we send some guards there to dispatch them."
"No! I will lay a trap for them once they arrive. They will serve
the Empire better alive, rather than dead."
The underground cavern led directly into the castle. There was no
resistance, nothing out of the ordinary. Once inside the castle, they
found themselves within the castle walls, quite literally. Cracks in the
wall allowed them to see into other rooms. They followed their only path
until it split into two paths.
"Well, we have to split up now. Be careful and don't do anything I
wouldn't do." Optimize whispered to Biggs.
"Yes, sir. I will see you at the crack of dawn, back at the ship,
hopefully with the Princess."
"Yes. Kingspeed to you."
"And to you, Optimize."
The two split up and followed their separate paths.
The dank and dreary corridors weaved their way throughout the
bowels of the castle. Optimize made his way to a corridor directly
behind the walls of the dungeons. He was able to see through cracks in
the wall into each dungeon cell as he moved down. The next-to-last cell
contained a beautiful woman.
"She must be the princess," Optimize thought to himself. "Princess?
Princess Caldera?" he whispered through the crack.
The princess, lying down on the stone cot, looked up sharply to
identify the muffled sound. It seemed to come from the back wall of the
"Over here... There is a crack in the wall... Follow the sound of
my voice," Optimize whispered.
The princess finally made her way to the crack in the well. "Who,
might I ask, are you?"
"I'm here to rescue you!" Optimize said, almost too loud.
"That's nice to know. Do you have a plan?"
"Uh... Not really. I was making it up as I went along."
"Do you have a dagger with you? Perhaps you can loosen a few of
"No, but I do have my sword."
"So much for a quick and quiet rescue..."
Biggs was strapped to a chair as the High Nerd Gater circled him,
emitting a high-pitched squeal. Biggs looked very tired due to the
intense torture he had been subjected to.
"Who do you pledge allegiance to NOW?" Gater asked, pausing the
squeal only long enough for the question to be asked.
"The Empire of Micro$oft, Nerd Gater." Biggs said in a drone-like
"Who are your sworn enemies?"
"The Kingdom of Dos-a-lot and their usurper king, Optimize."
"Excellent. You will be a valuable asset to the Empire."
TO BE CONTINUED...
Stay tuned for Kingdom of Dos-a-lot 3.2 coming soon to a webpage near
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