Funnies

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Rodney Dangerfield: I don't get any respect -- When I was a kid, my art teacher told me I could be the next Vangogh .. She handed me a knife !

Rodney Dangerfield: My mother said I was so ugly she had to breast feed me with a straw.

Politicians use statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts...for support rather than illumination.

The generation of random numbers are too important to be left to chance.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck! May all 0ur base someday be belong to you! May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven. Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe. And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us. Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it. For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Headlines: Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

A furious light sabre duel is under way. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks round, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down. VADER: "Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father." LUKE: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!" VADER: "No! I am your father!" LUKE: "No, it's not true! It's impossible." VADER: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true." LUKE: "NO!" VADER: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?" LUKE: "Threepio?" VADER: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old." LUKE: "No." VADER: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp." LUKE: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!" VADER: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!" LUKE: "Well, it's not my fault." VADER: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday! Boo hoo! My daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith. Wahhh wahhh!'" LUKE: "Shut up." VADER: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!" LUKE: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!" VADER: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!" * * * Luke looks down the shaft and takes a step toward it. VADER: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know who you are. But you're certainly no relation to me." * * * Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him. VADER: "And get a haircut!"

If God had intended us to be vegetarians, He wouldn't have made animals out of meat!

HBO has just won the rights to broadcast the World Origami Championships. Unfortunately it's only available on paper view.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

The leader of the Macedonian government decides to send a boat across the Atlantic ocean to shell the American coast (probably for revenge for something). After this is done, the Macedonian government declares a state of emergency in anticipation of the American counterattack. Schools, stores, government buildings, bridges, etc. are closed because of fear for public safety. The entire government executive decides to hide in a secret underground bunker. One day passes; then another. But no American attack. The Macedonian president begins to get impatient. Finally after one week since the Macedonian attack on the us (and still no American attack) the Macedonian president decides to call President Bush to find out what is happening. He says to Bush: 'So, are you going to attack us or not?' Bush replies:'We intend to bomb the hell out of Macedonia! But first we have to find it on a map!!'

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment. The coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face and dad starts panicking, shouting for help. A well-dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. She then gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic! Are you a doctor?" "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a divorce attorney."

Airman Jones was assigned to the instruction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted--the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across Florida and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able tofigure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said, "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Regards, Project Leader KEEP READING... Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader: Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment. Regards, Project Leader

A new group of male applicants had just arrived in heaven. Peter looked them over and ordered, "All men who were henpecked on earth, please step to the left; all those who were bosses in their own homes, step to the right." The line quickly formed on the left. Only one man stepped to the right. Peter looked at the frail little man standing by himself and inquired, "What makes you think you belong on that side?" Without hesitation, the meek little man explained, "Because this is where my wife told me to stand."

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign that read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop--it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why. "As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced." As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that. "Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands." We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?" "Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!"

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

A doctor and a lawyer had a car crash on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the carand offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted andhanded the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure," said the lawyer, "after the police leave."

3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer." The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive." The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln." The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!" A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)" The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50! ($0.42)" The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained, trying to keep it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the woman shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "Be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the woman turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 12-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the woman flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the $300 and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him. The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!" The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, he came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again. "No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.         - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"When I die, I want to go in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the passengers in his car."

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.         -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

Telnet through the firewall to my local Internet server... log in to my local shell account... telnet from there to my ISP... log in to my ISP shell account... run their IRC software... connect to an irc server... join the channel... ...nothing but 'Net!

A man sits next to another on a plane, and introduces himself, "My name is Bond, James Bond." The other replies, "My name is Damme, Van Damme, Claude Van Damme, Jean Claude Van Damme."

A priest in Cajun Country grew tired of hearing, in confession after confession, "I have committed the sin of adultery." So, at the next mass, he announced to the parishioners that from now on, he wanted them to say they fell in the bayou. This arrangement worked. Time went on. The priest died and a new priest came to the parish. Concerned for his parishioners, the new priest visited the police juror. "Something must be done about the bayou in my parish. People keep falling into it." The police juror laughed and told the priest to go to the mayor. The mayor also laughed at the priest's request, then sent him on to the state legislator for that district. The priest told the legislator his story. "You must do something about the bayou. My people keep falling in." The legislator laughed. Unable to control himself, the priest shouted "It's not funny! Why, just last week, your wife fell in the bayou six times!"

Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer 'one third x cubed'. She repeats 'one thur -- decks cute'? He repeats 'one third x cubed'. Her: 'one thur -- decks cubed'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, 'one thur -- decks cubed...'. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks 'what is the integral of x squared?'. The waitress says 'one thur -- decks cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder 'plus a constant'!

MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. I actually received this letter, and actually mailed the following (original) response. April 18, 1994 Mr. John T. Mongan 123 Main Street Smalltown, California 94123-4567 Dear John: You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America. The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention! Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing. What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom. You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate. You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form. **************************************************************** May 5, 1994 Michael C. Behnke MIT Director of Admissions Office of Admissions, Room 3-108 Cambridge MA 02139-4307 Dear Michael: You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country. The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention! Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano. What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him. You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering. You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, John Mongan

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU: ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE ` YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration team. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who has seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea & decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10 percent to begin with, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20 percent & when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he & his wife felt fine. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"

Bumper Sticker Sightings: I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? All generalizations are false, including this one. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. It's as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you. When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS). I is a college student. Beer isn't just for breakfast any more. Eschew obfuscation. Only I can prevent narcissism! I swear I must be the only optimist left on earth. Don't steal. The government hates competition. The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. If money could talk, it would say goodbye. When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist. Down with argument by slogan!

From the incomparable Steven Wright: Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case..... coincidence? When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism-to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he's pretty weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting OUT of the water? How can there be self-help "groups"? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing Hide & Seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? When a convict is put to death by lethal injection, are they still required to sterilize the injection site?

If you play a blank tape at full blast would your mime neighbour complain? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box? When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines? What is the speed of dark? How did a fool and his money GET together in the first place? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan? How do they get the deer to cross at those yellow road signs? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? What do they use to ship styrofoam? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is there an expiration date on the sour cream container? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

A student and aspiring game programmer is walking into his dorm room carrying a ten speed bike. His roommate who is also an aspiring game programmer, greets him at the door. "Dude!" The roommate said. "Where did you score the kewl bike?" "Well the strangest thing happened! I was walking home from the computer lab, when a beautiful blonde rode up to me on this bike. She took off all of her clothes and told me that I could have whatever I wanted. So I took the bike..." His roommate laughed. "Good call, Dude! The clothes probably won't have fit you!"

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Dear Mr. Jones: We noticed you've not picked up any condoms at SpiffyMart recently. (Your last purchase was 8 weeks ago.) Further, you have stopped buying feminine hygiene products, but have sharply increased your frozen pizza and dinners usage in the same time frame. It's clear that Ms. Jody Sanders has dumped you. (It's probably for the best - we knew she was a loser from that cheap shampoo she buys.) We confirmed this with the Post Office database -- yep, she filed a change of address. We at Horny International offer our condolences. As the number-one vender of hot X-rated videos, we'd like to help you out in this time of stress. If you're feeling lonely, check out our catalog of both VHS and super 8 tapes. Order now and we throw in an extra tape FREE! Yours Truly; Sleazy Jerk, Marketing Manager. ps: That "blond" at O'Dougles last Saturday -- you bought her 2nd Strawberry Martini? Forget it! She's on her third yeast infection in as many months, and is a 'regular' at Acme Pharmacy. (Her HMO computer gossips with ours.) You never know what else she might have. Our tapes are LOTS safer!..

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious or atheist?" "Religious." "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Paul Harvey today quoted Argus Hamilton: The Washington Bullets are changing their name. The owners no longer want their team's name to be associated with crime. So from now on the team will be known as The Bullets.

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied. "But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".

/* LYRICS: Simply take one word or phrase from each of the three columns below, in order to make one line. Repeat randomly four times. Repeat process again twice to make chorus. Repeat last line 17 times. Don't worry if they don't make sense. Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 -------------------------------------------- Move it Triple Beat The City Streets Get Up Body Heat You'll be Humpin Pump It Up Feel the Beat Before the Night is Over Get Down Get Around Shake your Meat Shake it The Joint Is Jumpin Bustin Loose Pump the Jam Feet are Stompin Disco Heat BACKBEAT: Program a drum machine in neverending 4/4 time. Add occasional snare. BODY: Add monotonous bass in one key. Overlay with punchy sounding synth. Get previously unknown singer to talk the lyrics so as not to test the range of the vocal chords. PRODUCTION: Put above ingredients together on master tape. Press discs. Give the label a suitably techno-funk sounding name, like "Mixmastermeatbeaters". Sell 5 million copies to unsuspecting public. Win MTV Award. The sad thing is the public will *think* you've been creative... Better still, this process can be automated via a lyric C program, a random synth base and music generator, and the discs mastered directly by computer control. This relieves the composer of decisions regarding which phrases and notes to use in production. By pressing the <RET> key, more than 100 CD's a week can be generated. This I have done, below is a sample composition guaranteed to make megabucks: "Get down" by Mixmastermeatbeaters Get down the joint is jumpin' you'll be humpin' Shake it feet are stompin' in the city streets Pump the jam feel the beat with disco heat Move it get around 'til the night is over (chorus) Get down to triple beat shake your meat Pump it up get around in the city streets Pump the jam to triple beat you'll be humpin' Shake it get body heat 'til the night is over Get up the joint is jumpin' you'll be humpin' Pump it up feet are stompin' I'm bustin loose (chorus) Get down to triple beat shake your meat Pump it up get around in the city streets Pump it up get around in the city streets Pump it up get around in the city streets Pump it up get around in the city streets etc.. Note that this is indistinguishable from the human generated version. */ #include <stdio.h> #include <stdlib.h> #include <string.h> #include <time.h> char * phrase[3][6] = { { "Move it", "Get Up", "Pump It Up", "Get Down", "Shake it", "Pump the Jam" }, { "triple beat", "body heat", "feel the beat", "get around", "the joint is jumpin'", "feet are stompin'" }, { "the city streets", "you'll be humpin'", "before the night is over", "shake your meat", "bustin loose", "disco heat" } }; int r6() { return rand() % 6; } main() { int i,j,k,l; char *s; s = "0502122222222222302222223122222222222230222222312222"\ "22222222304222422242224222422242224222422242224222422242"\ "2242224222422242224222"; srand(time(NULL)); i = rand(); k = rand(); j = 0; for(;*s!='\0';s++) { switch(*s) { case '0': srand(i); break; case '1': srand(k); break; case '2': printf("%s%s",phrase[j][r6()],(j==2)?"\n":" "); j=(j+1)%3; k=rand(); break; case '3': printf("\n"); break; case '4': srand(i); l=0; for(k=0;k<6;k++) l+=rand(); break; default : printf("\"%s\" by Mixmastermeatbeaters\n\n", phrase[0][r6()]); break; } } }

A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo." The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me."

Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief... "They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "Meat. They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat." "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars." "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines." "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact." "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines." "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat." "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat." "Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage." "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?" "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside." "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through." "No brain?" "Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!" "So... what does the thinking?" "You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat." "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!" "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?" "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat." "Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years." "So what does the meat have in mind?" "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual." "We're supposed to talk to meat?" "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing." "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?" "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat." "I thought you just told me they used radio." "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?" "Officially or unofficially?" "Both." "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing." "I was hoping you would say that." "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?" "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?" "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact." "So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe." "That's it." "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?" "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them." "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream." "And we can mark this sector unoccupied." "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?" "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again." "They always come around." "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Through some clever security hole manipulation, I have been able to break into all of the government's computers and acquire the Lisp code to SDI. Here is the last page (tail -10) of it to prove that I actually have the code: )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

When asked what Unix is, the IRC bot in the over40spanking room told me: grep;touch;strip;unzip;head;mount /dev/girl -t wet;fsck;fsck;yes;yes;yes;umount

Dear Abby - I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known street walkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them. In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft? Regards, Troubled?

This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God. She asked him, "how much time do I have to live?" He said, "you have 35 years left." So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction, she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again. After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly. When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years!" God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now... feeling better?

Anyone know how I can get my VCR to start blinking "1:00" now that Daylight Savings Time is here?

Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty, the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house. The husband says, "Oh no! That must be your husband coming home." And the wife replies, "No. He's off in the Navy for six months."

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid for everything." "That is quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I am here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, "how do you start a flood?"

Dear Friends, My name is Norm and I've got an amazing story to tell you, a story that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp. Rubbing it on my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened. A genie appeared. He told me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass. Well, I was skeptical at first. I mean, come on, shitting nickels? But I decided to give it a try. I wrapped my brain around the problem to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the shortest amount of time and it hit me... A chain letter, an ostensibly illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted. Well, I went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get people to duplicate my annoying spam. Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT! And better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY SHIT, YOU'LL SHIT A PENNY! Let's look at the math with EASY TO GET responses: With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate you... that's 21,250 - OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS... RIGHT OFF THE BAT! And those people can be used over and over again. Let's say that just one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!! Even if they're the same people who got pissed off at _you_, that's still going to mean ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS! ! ! ! PYRAMID SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERE'S NO ONE LEFT... BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOU'LL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!! Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Of course, you'll have to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them. But that's nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE! Trust me folks, it works. It's a proven fact that if you post pyramid scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU! They'll send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of names, BUT YOU'LL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS! ------------------------------------------------------------------ Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters! Dear Norm, I never thought it possible, but you were right. Ever since I posted your Shit. Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass! I even made a game out of it. I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I just bend over and let those nickels go. For every one that makes it through the hoop, I get two points. I've become the Michael Jordan of nickel shitters. And yesterday, I started shitting pennies. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Sincerely, B. A. Schmuck Fort Wayne, Indiana Dear Norm, Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY Jelly. After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my asshole was geting sooo sore. But I'm sore no more and I'm rich as Croesus to boot. Thanks for touching my life and my ass. Yours Always, Cherry B. Toodles Los Angeles, California ------------------------------------------------------------------ Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! Copy this post everywhere, make people hate you, and you'll shit nickels too! Send your success stories to norm@orbit. demon. co. uk and your letter might just be in the next version! [chain letter parody; author takes no responsibility for idiots who repost this and cannot be held liable for any nickel shitting related injuries]

THE SPICE GIRLS APPLICATION FORM Name: Age: Real Age: How would you best describe yourself? ( ) An energetic self-starter ( ) A team player ( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your breasts? ( )Yes ( )No Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred? ( )Yes ( )No "I am willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry." ( )Yes ( )No How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar? ( )1-4 ( )5-10 ( )More than 10 Does nudity bother you? If so, give three excuses for your portfolio. ( )Yes ( )No Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual freewill in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behavioristic psychology. Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts? ( )Yes ( )No Are you deceptively attractive in colored or stroboscopic light? ( )Yes ( )No Choose an appropriate nickname: (circle one) Sexy, Nasty, Infectious, Syphilis, Tubby, Sickly, Lesby, Trampy. Choose an appropriate image: ( ) Cute, blonde, appeals to pedophiles. ( ) Tub of lard. ( ) Bloke. In a tracksuit. ( ) Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity. ( ) Terrifying to small children and old men. ( ) All of the above. Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever? ( )Yes ( )No If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers, and 75 kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini? If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness? ( )Yes ( )No In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this job.

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch: Limbaughium Lb The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons. Billclintium Bc With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water. Canadium Eh Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron. Innofensium Pc Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose. Newtium Nt Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply. Quaylium Vp Einsteinium it ain't. Budweisium Ps Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water. Cabmium Cb Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it. Politicium Po Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House. Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution. Snot Sn Bonds forever with corduroy.

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag. Once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own friggin' blanket!"

better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus <north pole >town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus <north pole > town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | grep bad || good for (goodness sake) \{ be good \}

People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top of the Christmas tree. It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the world's children. He told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m. At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night, had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture. About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore her since his mood was so foul but the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?" And that is why there is an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

David Ashley writes: I would like to ask a question that has bothered me ever since I heard about nude places like beaches, parks and whatnot. What if you are a guy and you get a hard on. Do you try and cover it up (don't ask ME how) or does everyone just take it for granted and politely ignore it? Or do nudists say that the problem never comes up due to self-control? This is a common question among newcomers to nudist activities. In practice, it is nothing to worry about. What usually happens is something like this: You get an erection, somebody notices, points at you and yells, "Hey, look at the hard-on on that guy" or, "Look at that guy trying to hide his hard-on". Then everyone gathers around, pointing and laughing. If you try to run away, they all follow you. People start taking pictures. Eventually, some mesomorph/homophobe thinks he catches you looking at his girlfriend/self and beats the hell out of you. After this happens two or three times, you get conditioned to always go limp when you see a naked body. Alan Filipski, Phoenix, Arizona

"The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter. The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'"

A telphone man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..." The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off! "Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking:...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.... ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled. ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have...Oh, I feel so .....'' (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger. ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. ''It's just that...It's that I...I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) ''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine. ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell headfirst to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Kmart manager came out and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heroes.

The wrestler was about to enter the match, and the coach gives him some last minute advice. "Son....whatever you do, do *not* let yer opponent get you in the pretzel hold. If you do, it's all over". The match begins, and soon enough, he's in the pretzel hold. They're a rumblin' and a tumblin', still in the pretzel hold. All of a sudden the wrestler sees a set of balls right in front of his face. In desperation, he bites them. .....WHAM!!..... The wrestler not only gets outta the hold, but he *slams* his opponent to the turf, pins him, and wins!!! After the match coach asks "Son, what happened??!! After you were in the pretzel hold, I thought you were finished!!" "Well coach", the wrestler said, "you *just* wouldn't believe how strong you can get after you bite yer own balls".

Realistic State Mottos Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: Se Habla Ingles Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: Florida: The Gunshine State Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: For Sale Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: The Sue Me State Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: You're Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Incest is Best South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Don't Mess with Texas-We're Armed Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

The FBI was badly in need of top agents. They began a nationwide search of their active agents who showed great promise as prospective trainees for this position. They found three candidates. Before training could begin, each candidate would have to pass a test. The purpose of the test was to determine whether the trainee could kill on demand, and without remorse. On the day of the test, the three candidates showed up and were placed in a waiting room. The first trainee was then brought in and given instructions: "Here's your weapon, trainee. I want you to go into the next room and kill the person sitting there." "No problem", replied the trainee. He entered the room and, after a few seconds, returned and said, "I'm sorry, I can't kill that woman - that's my wife." He was dismissed. The second trainee was brought in and given instructions: "I want you to take this gun and go into the other room and kill the person sitting there". "Okay", said the trainee. He went into the next room and then returned shortly. "I can't kill her, she's my girlfriend!" He was also dismissed. The agents were getting nervous. They were down to only one possible trainee. So they brought him in and gave him instructions: "You see this gun? Take it into the next room with you and kill the person sitting there!" "No problem." The man grabbed the gun and walked briskly into the next room. "Blam! Blam! Blam!" Three shots. Then silence, followed by "CRASH! BANG! BOOM!". The man came out furious! He said, "Why didn't you tell me there were blanks in the gun?!? I had to beat her to death with the chair!!!"

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" or "12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are... The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer... The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive... The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took 8 dozen condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."

Q. What's the new Saudi national anthem? A. Onward Christian Soldiers.

Tips for a Northerner moving South: Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at the movie store. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" People walk slower here. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy","Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy". As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

London, 19th May. Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot. Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

A small two-seater Cessna 152 airplane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

I was getting a bit hungry last week, so since I had to drop off some videos at the local Blockbuster ("Starship Troopers" and "Boogie Nights", if you must know), I'd go and get some lunch at McDonalds. It somewhat qualifies as a "food", at least until you get to dinner when you can make up for it with some real nutrients. As I approached, it seemed odd that there was more than the usual number of morons going in there as well, along with a LOT of discarded Happy Meal containers in the parking lot. I worried that it may be "brat night", but noticed that the telltale sign of sprogs working up a good lawsuit were abscent from the playground out front, so I pressed on. Anyways, as I was placing my order, this sweaty, fatassed she-freak tries to shove herself in front of me, screaming at the top of her lungs if they still had any of those pelican "Teeny Beany Babies" they were plopping into Happy Meals. It was bad enough that the line was extra long and extra slow because the McBots in the burger mines were working franticly to fill all those HM orders for the rest of the Beany-crazed herd. I came close to wanting to grab this hippo and scream "GET OUT OF MY FACE, YOU BEANY-BRAINED MORON!! *I* *AM* *HUNGRYYYYYY*!!!!" at the top of my lungs, but Satan gave me a BETTER idea. Something with even MORE devastating potential. I looked towards the harried, humanoid shaped pimple-farm behind the counter and asked how many of these Bobdammed pelicans they had left. "Uh, about three", he said. "Okay, I'd like to add THREE Happy Meals to my order, and make sure they have those pelicans in there, OK?" "Uh, Okay.......sure" he replied, catching onto why I would order that many. It seemed to make him feel like he'd bring them to me on a McSilver tray if they had one. I gave Mrs. Jabba a bigassed smirk (ever see that part where the Grinch grins from ear to ear?). She seemed so agast at the horror of her NOT getting her precious fucking Teeny Beanies that I actually had to make sure that when my order came up, she did'nt try to make a grab for one of the Happy Meals and run for the door (I'm sure she would'nt move very fast, but trying to stop THAT much mass may prove hazardous). Instead, she screamed a big hissy fit, demanded to speak with the manager to make me GIVE HER those pelican Beanies (the head McManager just simply told her that it was "first come, first serve", and it was corporate policy). Realizing that she was as much of a loser as she was fat, she claimed that McDonald's and I were in on a conspiracy and swore that she was going to sue me and the McDonald's Corporation for every thin dime we both have and that were NOT going to get away with this, yatta-yatta-yatta, oink oink oink, moooooooo. Yeah, right. So there I sat, munching away on my McFood (there was enough there on the tray to even make the cow woman explode), with my little droopy-ass pelican toys sitting in full view so that as the Beany-morons left empty-handed, they'd see my treasure before them and they would know despair ("IIIIIIIIIIII-got, your-Beeeeeeeeee-nies! You-can-not, haaaaave-none! You-are-all-reeeeee-tards!"). A few of them actually came up to my table as I was eating and offered real money for them, but my evil was in full bloom that hour, and I had other plans for these little effigies of mediahype and human stupidity. Before I departed (I was getting so full that I just ate the "meat" patty in each HM and left the buns and fries untouched), I sliced off the pelican heads and left each one perched on top of the straws of the undrunk small drinks as a warning to those who try to fuck around with MY personal space ever again (and used the ketchup packets to have simulated congealed blood running down the straws and neck stumps of the bodies, which I had placed in the uneaten buns). And to finish this masterpiece, I took out a marker to make a little billboard out of one of the HM boxes turned inside-out to write "BEANIES SUCK!!". It looked like a diorama of Vlad Teppes' visit to McDonaldLand. I wish I had a camera to photograph the table before I left, but I get a feeling some of the workers may have done so before they cleared it off. I'm sure it made their day after their harrowing shift in Beanybrain Hell. I've got to ask them if they can make me print when I go back there some day. Sure, I may have wasted a lot of good food and passed up the chance to make some moron money, but the chance to commit evil like this has NO price tag.

A man comes out of a shopping mall to find the side of his parked car rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he reads it. On the paper is written: As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company. But I'm not.....

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish (not the standard three). Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!" The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"

Lexus engineers have a way of testing to see if their cars are air-tight. They would put a cat in the car and close it up. They would check the car again in 24 hours. If the cat was dead, it passed the test. Chrysler heard about this and decided to try it. They put a cat in one of their cars and closed it up. When they checked it again in 24 hours, the cat was gone.

This morning, my technoincompetent girlfriend called and woke me at the ungodly hour of 9:00. She came into her hospital job, sat in her cube, to find her computer had locked up, and their tech support people were not in yet, and would I please tell her what to do. "Is the dictation machine on?" I queried. "Yes. Why?" "I've seen this before. The CPU is waiting for an IRQ interrupt from the voice input, and has hung. What you need to do is say, loudly (because the CPU is slow when it is hung) "CLEAR", and hold down the control key, the delete key, and the alt key, all at the same time." A second passes as she was searching out the three keys. Then I hear "CLEAR", and the sound of her typing. "What happened?" I asked. "Well, the screen went blank" "Oh, damnit! You didn't say it loudly enough. Try again, only louder." "Okay...CLEAR...<click>..same thing." "You might be losing your hard disk. Is the microphone close to your mouth? Do it again." Wait a beat, I hold the phone away from my ear, "CLEAR...<click>...nothing" "Again." "*CLEAR*" "Is there anybody standing nearby who might be able to help" "Well, yeah, they just walked in..." "Good." Then I hung up on her.

Q: What is the worst possible bridge hand you can have? A: 4 aces, 4 kings, 4 queens, and 2 jacks.

An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel. The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative venture is taking place, and that he never expected the English to go to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe. "Oh that's nothing," says the Englishman, "You should have seen the trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!"

Subject: Re: concurrently writing to a file without doing flock On Tue, 10 Nov 1998 someone wrote: > What is the worst thing that can happen when several > processes print to the same file, without using flock, > every print writes exactly one line, and the file > handles are set to unbuffered? The worst thing? Here's the worst I can think of. An urgent message comes in to the NSA from a branch office of the CIA. It turns out that Ginger Spice has just discovered the secret files with the true story of the assassination of JFK, as well as an inventory of Area 51, the hiding place of a sasquatch family, and the real reason that the Olsen twins have another TV show. If she's not stopped, she will use this information to force her way into the UN, then work secretly behind the scenes to force Newt Gingrich out of office, leak internal memos from Microsoft, and give Alanis Morrisette an uncontrollable desire to run around naked on MTV. Ginger's evil activities will go undetected because thousands of people will be talking about putting on ape suits and burying the Statue of Liberty up to the neck before John Glenn returns. Alas, because some programmer failed to properly use flock, the message is over-written by some message asking what colors an iMac comes in. The end of the world comes shortly thereafter. Don't let this happen to you; always use flock when several processes need to access the same file. Cheers!

Sunday School Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ !" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Subject: Re: 100 FREE CHILD PORN PICS - 5-14 YEARS OLD!!! From: "Mack10" <Spamless@aol.com> Newsgroups: comp.sys.intel vicki@tande.net wrote: > >http://XXX.XXX.XXX.XXX/ohfree/index.html I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? Try to edit your post of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

[Forwarded from comp.risks, written by Keith F. Lynch] WARNING: Do NOT calculate Pi in binary. It is conjectured that this number is normal, meaning that it contains ALL finite bit strings. If you compute it, you will be guilty of: * Copyright infringement (of all books, all short stories, all newspapers, all magazines, all web sites, all music, all movies, and all software, including the complete Windows source code) * Trademark infringement * Possession of child pornography * Espionage (unauthorized possession of top secret information) * Possession of DVD-cracking software * Possession of threats to the President * Possession of everyone's SSN, everyone's credit card numbers, everyone's PIN numbers, everyone's unlisted phone numbers, and everyone's passwords * Defaming Islam. Not technically illegal, but you'll have to go into hiding along with Salman Rushdie. * Defaming Scientology. Which IS illegal -- just ask Keith Henson. Also, your computer will contain all of the nastiest known computer viruses. In fact, all of the nastiest POSSIBLE computer viruses. Some of the files on my PC are intensely personal, and I for one don't want you snooping through a copy of them. You might get away with computing just a few digits, but why risk it? There's no telling how far into Pi you can go without finding the secret documents about the JFK assassination, a photograph of your neighbor's six year old daughter doing the nasty with the family dog, or a complete copy of the not-yet-released Pearl Harbor movie. So just don't do it. The same warning applies to e, the square root of 2, Euler's constant, Phi, the cosine of any non-zero algebraic number, and the vast majority of all other real numbers. There's a reason why these numbers are always computed and shown in decimal, after all.

I recenly heard that scientists have isolated the gene that makes scientists want to isolate genes.

Ads in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. Cripes My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'. I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..." Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Reverse Life Cycle: The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam. Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood." Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a Jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a Jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. [Keep reading, it gets better.] The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this Red Nissan lowrider pickup comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Nissan lowrider pickup completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a Jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the red Nissan lowrider pickup lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the red Nissan lowrider pickup for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Jason Clarke." "When's a good time to catch you, Jason?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen J, can I tell you something?" "Sure," "Jason, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Jason Clarke's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Jason Clarke." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my red Nissan lowrider pickup's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, J. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF: The only jokes you receive are through email At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights. Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma. Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room. In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions. You are always late to meetings. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling. You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it. You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday. You forget to get a haircut (for 6 months!). You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting. You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects. You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. You have more friends on the internet than in real life. You have never backed up your hard drive. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married. You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. You know what http:// stands for. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. You see a good design and still have to change it. You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it. You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep. You wear black socks with tennis shoes (or vice versa). You window shop at Radio Shack. You're in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite. Your checkbook always balances. Your laptop computer costs more than your car. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz Pentium. You've already calculated how much you make per second. You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio. Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

Dr. Seuss's Computer Instructions If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom.

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "Okay -- where are you from, jackass?"

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time. Not allowed to join the communist party. Not allowed to join any militia. Not allowed to form any militia. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!' Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'. God may not contradict any of my orders. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right. Must not taunt the French any more. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!' Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne). Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times). The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker') Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over). Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. I do not have super-powers. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. I am not the atheist chaplain. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'. I am not authorized to fire officers. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?' The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you'. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay. There are no evil clowns living under my bed. There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command. May not wear gimp mask while on duty. No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'. Woad is not camouflage makeup. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for." I may not call block my chain of command. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance. May not form any press gangs. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...." Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'. Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate. Nerve gas is not funny. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that. I am not in need of a more suitable host body. 'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.' A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did. Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a good combination. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD's. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles. When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir". There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff". I cannot trade my CO to the Russians. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me. Crucifying mice - bad idea. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them. I cannot arrest children for being rude. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke. I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases. Two drink limit does not mean first and last. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like. 'No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages' does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ® IV is acceptable. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word. The Microsoft ® 'Dancing Paperclip' is not authorized to countermand any orders. 'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot. Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole fucking village!' while out on a mission is bad. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk. Even if my commander did it. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!' The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts. The revolution is not now. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search. No part of the military uniform is edible. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command. Take that hat off. There is no such thing as a were-virgin. I do not get 'that time of month'. No, the pants are not optional. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks. Especially not a pornographic movie studio. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films' Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy). We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ® When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'. My name is not a killing word. I am not the Emperor of anything. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command. I am not allowed to give tattoos. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration." Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged") Not allowed to get shot. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.) Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.) Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Some off color stuff

"Whereas Americans look on Canada with ignorant benevolence, Canadians look on America with well informed malevolence."     - anonymous

After many years of collecting data, Cambridge sex researchers have determined that the human penis may be classified according to one of five basic size groups: small, medium, large, "Oh my God!" and "Does that come in white?"

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans: 1. They speak English. 2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries. 3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM Name: _____________________________ Gang: _____________________________ 1. Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload? 2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut? 3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit? 4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal? 5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800? 6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money? 7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint? 8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in the gang *hasn't* Hector knocked up? BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control? ------------------------------------------------

There are nine beautifserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman 2 American men and 1 American woman One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois. The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The 2 English men are waiting for someone to properly introduce them to the English woman. The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo on their wristband "Faxi-Mon" and are still waiting for instructions. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex with the ravishing tempremental redhed is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide as they listen to the American woman bitching about how sex is always unsatisfying, on the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do only better, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how all men except her father are pigs, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how her last boyfriend, even though he was a pig, respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, at least before he committed suicide. But, on the American island, at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

What happens when a jew with an erection runs into a wall? He breaks his nose.

An American would eat a bowl of shit if it were called 'cuvette de merde.

POLAND'S WORST AIR DISASTER Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

A new book is due out: Jimmy Swaggert, Jim Bakker, and Jesse Jackson are collaborating on a new book chronicling the life of an evangelist. It's to be titled "Ministers Do More Than Laypeople."

A blond woman is driving down a country road and looks out in a large field and sees another blond sitting in a boat in the middle of the field. She pulls over and yells "Hey Idiot! Its your kind that gives us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

A blonde goes into a casino, gets thristy and goes to a soda vending machine .. She puts in $1.00, presses a button and out comes a soda - She repeats this process for over an hour, until the man behind her says "Miss are you almost done ?" To which she replies .. "Duh !!! I'm winning!"

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but they refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

Dear Abby: My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker, but many of his co-workers are leary of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do. Signed, Frustrated Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the House Majority Leader to the test. He summons Tom DeLay to the White House and says, "Mr. DeLay, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" DeLay hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and DeLay leaves. DeLay immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators,and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, DeLay calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot." Much relieved, DeLay rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello. What are you guys doing?" Bush replies, "We're planning World War III." The guy asks, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman." The guy exclaims, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?" Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans."

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to her husband. "You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice. "Who is this?"

A Men gets home, screeches into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs: "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery" The wife says "Oh my God, Really?!?! Wow! What do you think I should pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The husband yells back: "It doesn't matter just get the hell out!"

Q: Why is PMS called PMS? A: "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

If two hillbillies get married then divorced are they still cousins?

An atheist, lawyer and priest are on a ship that's sinking fast. Atheist: "Make sure the women and children all have lifevests." Lawyer: "Screw the women and children!". Priest: "Do you think we have time?".